Need To Get A Life

I literally cried during my working hours, in front of my colleagues, everyone asking me "Are you alright??". I didn't answer, it was too painful to breathe a word, I remain silent, the Cin Khor signature smile vanish from my face, nobody dare to talk to me throughout work time.

I have to admit, I'm too clingy and depend too much Yoong for comfort and love and my life. I need him in every aspects, leaning on my for support and advice, hoping that he could provide me with solutions to my daily routine. This, is starting to kill me.

I became obsessive with controlling Yoong. I want him to be 100% loyal to me unlike he did few years back. I want him to report everything single thing he did to me. I want him to banish his lying and being infidel. I am scared, I have to admit. Waves of frustrations and the annoying nagging of him leaving me ring inside my head. Every single fucking minute, I can't stop thinking of how should I keep him by my side.

I am in the wrong, I know. Love without trust, ain't love anymore. I just try to let him go, let him be his own master, let him do whatever he like, let him be with any gals he wanna hang out with especially his ex. But I fucking can't.... I hate myself for being so childish, enrage with jealousy everytime he tried to contact his ex, but I just can't help it. I really hate him being in touch with his ex. To me, you don't be friends with your ex, they are ex, ex = the past, what does the past got to do with the future??

Everytime I'm so torn between believing Yoong or not. I just somehow can't bring myself to trust him. I love him. A lot. Very much. I should ignore my sense of insecurity and trust Yoong, but there's so much going on in my mind... I wish I could get a sense of truthness from Yoong, I wish Yoong could be more open to me. But the constant guessing game and interrogating procedure is driving me insane. Everytime I have to question deeply then only I got the answer that Yoong is still contacting his ex.

I know, some of you may ask, what's wrong in being friends with the ex. But I still got the feeling that this ex is not giving up on Yoong. I still have the feeling that Yoong is still relying on her to finish some work. I'm jealous. I'm Yoong's girlfriend, I should be the one that he turn to help to. I should be the 1st person that Yoong should think of when he has a problem. But I don't get that often. And I don't like that at all.

I cried today. The 1st time. At work. Wearing the uniform, I did not present my usual "Best Employee of The Year" self. I was like a zombie today. Hoping that time pass by and trying to cover my watery and red eye with my cap. Fail indeed. Customers looking at me like I'm a monster.

I want to get away from this insanity of love. I'd become an alien to myself, turning into this green monster, making Yoong and myself unhappy for all reasons, but the 2 of us really don't know how to communicate with each other, how to tolerate the flaws in each of us.

Maybe the 2 of us really don't have that "magnetic power" to click together. I hate you for making me so fragile. And I hate myself for making you into a weirdo that shunt out your ex and your friends. I hating the current relationship that we are having now.

I'm swaying, in a isolated island, waiting to be rescued, at the mean time, finding ways to get a new life by incorporating some basic survival skills and learning how to sew back my broken heart.

And now, the big question, are you willing to still marry me next year after I force you to swear that you wouldn't contact your ex for 1 year?? Will you still willing to propose to me next year like we had planned??